I know what you’re all thinking: why hasn’t FG yet addressed the issue of pens?  Well it’s a difficult issue to bring up.  But I can’t let it slide anymore.  I’ve let the pen industry run unchecked for far too long.   

Firstly, I hate pens that aren’t shaped like pens.  Why the hell do they exist, and why the hell do people buy them?  I don’t care how crappy the gift shop is -- if the pen isn’t in the shape of a cylinder then just put it down and buy the damn postcard instead.

FG:  “What’s with the dolphin-shaped pen.”

Person:  “It reminds me of my trip to Sea World.”

FG:  “And the crippling hand pain that results from writing with it?”

Person:  “That reminds me that I went on the trip with my family.”

Secondly, I hate the pens that stores keep next to cash registers that have a bunch of garbage attached to them.  I know it’s to keep you from walking off with them, but since when is that such a huge freaking problem?  It’s not like it’s ever a nice pen or anything.  It’s a damned Bic™.

Boss:  “What did that box of 20 pens cost us?”

Worker:  “A couple of bucks.”

Boss:  “And how much did the bouquets of fake flowers and the lost man-hours it took to assemble the pens cost us?”

Worker:  “An astounding amount more than that.”

Boss:  “So why did we do it?”

Worker:  “It was part of our new initiative of making the customers more uncomfortable while they try to give us money.”

Boss:  “Keep up the good work.”

I used to think it would be harder to stab someone in the eye with a pen that had a bouquet of fake flower attached to it.  I used to think that.

-FG

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