Here’s a little piece I like to call ‘FG Thinks That Everything About Halloween that Doesn’t Involve Giving Him Candy is Stupid, part I’.   

Firstly, Halloween is not a holiday that you should decorate for.  If your decorations involve more than a crappy bat window-cling that you bought from a drugstore, then you’ve put in way too much effort.  If your decorations utilize electricity in any way, then you really need to start taking inventory of your life and where things went so wrong.

More importantly, we need to discuss pumpkin carving. I’ve taken the liberty to come up with a checklist to determine whether or not you should be carving pumpkins this year

1. You are eight years old or younger.

If you don’t have a checkmark next to each of those items, you should not be carving a pumpkin, because that would be idiotic.  That’s just an advertisement of the fact that you have surprisingly little going on in your life.

Person:  “What do you think of the pumpkins I carved?”

FG:  “I think that while you’re at it you should see if you can carve this rutabaga into somebody who gives a crap.”

Even more astoundingly stupid are the pumpkins you see on TV from ‘professional’ carvers.  A few decades ago, if you had asked someone what their profession was and they answered, “I carve vegetables into the likenesses of celebrities,” that person would have been locked up in the loony bin.  Now they go on talk shows!  What the hell has happened to us? 

-FG

P.S. Those of you who think that pumpkin carving is too dangerous for children need to realize that it’s an activity that can teach many important life lessons, including:

• Life isn’t pain free.
• Major arteries aren’t always puncture free.
• Fingers, hands, and other extremities are privileges, not rights.

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