Thanksgiving.  What a holiday.  I think it’s so popular because of its simplicity.  You don’t have to buy everyone presents.  You don’t have to put up lights or decorations.  You don’t have to do anything.  In order to have a successful Thanksgiving, you just have to sit around and eat too much food.  And if there’s on thing that Americans are experts at, it’s sitting around and eating too much food.

            So, here, in the spirit of the holiday, I thought I would make a list of some of the things that I’m most thankful for.  

·        News stories about holiday travel.  They provide me with such key pieces of information as:

o       Condition at the airports:  Busy

o       When I should leave for my flight:  Early

Gee, thanks, Mr. Newsman.  You’ve saved Thanksgiving.  Now if you could come back and give me the exact same story about every three minutes, that would be great.

·        The ‘coincidental’ placement of a photo of a starving African child on the front page of the newspaper with a caption reading, “I hope you fat slobs all choke on that turkey. –EIC.”  Because if I can’t turn to the newspaper to be my moral guide, who can I turn to?  Now if they could just start providing me with actual news.

·        The term ‘Turkey Day’:  What the hell is--

Wait, that’s the wrong list.  Those are the things I’m least thankful for.  Here’s the right list:

·        My fingerless gloves:  My palms were cold; my fingers were hot.  Then you came along and made everything right in the world.  I’ve never forgotten that.

·        The fingers that I cut off of my gloves:  Our time together was fleeting, at best.  But if gloves didn’t have fingers, then fingerless gloves would just be called gloves.  And then where would I be?  Exactly.

·        My jester’s hat:  “Look, there’s a man in a jester’s hat.  I find this situation fascinating.  And, as a logical extension, I find him fascinating.  I wish to know more about him.”

·        Person1 and Person2:  Man, I don’t even know where to start with you two.  Look, I know we’ve gone through some rough times in the past.  I’ve made you say some pretty dumb things.  I’ve put you in some pretty odd situations.  But you two have always been there for me, and I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know.

Person1:  “Wow, FG, thank you so much.”

Person2:  “Yeah, I didn’t realize you—”

FG:  “Shut up and dance for me, monkeys!”

Happy TG

-FG

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